Friday, 8 July 2016

Opinion: Top 10 Jobber Themes (Lily Lestrange)

I've only gone and written a bloody list.  What have I become?! 

I thought I'd switch it up a bit for this month's guest blog since I'm always writing stuff that's fairly serious and informative.  So why not be fun aunt Lily this month and write a list of my top ten favourite jobber themes?

Please note that I do say jobber but these guys all worked hard in the WWE, no matter how long they were there for... and none of them reeeeeally constitute as "jobbers" because they've all achieved something at some point (yes, even number 9) but fuck it.  My ball, my rules. Besides, I use the term as lovingly as possible! They're all in this list because their themes are catchy as fuck and if you've ever had the misfortune to be in my presence then I've probably sang at least one of these themes in your face. Enjoy.

10.  The Mountie

If you didn't watch wrestling in the 80s/early 90s then you probably won't know who this is... UNTIL NOW.  The Mountie's claim to fame in WWE was winning the Intercontinental Championship that one time and winning the tag titles four times (once with his brother and three times as part of The Quebecers). His grotesquely chirpy theme will have your leg jigging and will have you craving maple syrup over EVERYTHING in no time.  It doesn't help that it sounds like something that Trey Parker and Matt Stone have written for an especially Canadian episode of South Park.

9. The Great Khali 

Ah, Khali.  The Punjabi Playboy, our sweet prince of the desert.  Let's be honest, the greatest thing that he ever done in the WWE was sing happy birthday to John Cena and get swung around by Cesaro (he did feud with Triple H for the WWE title and he won the Heavyweight Championship that one time but let's not talk about that) but we love him for the big lug that he is anyway.  Or at least I did.  Now departed from the WWE, I hear Dixie's wanting to recruit him under the guise of "The Average Taj".  Anyway, his theme was bangin' and if it doesn't make you want to dance on a table and get your bhangra on then nothing will.

8. Zack Ryder 

This may come as a shock as you'd probably expect this of all jobber themes to be higher up in the list but nope.  As irritatingly catchy as it is there's better ones out there! I think this theme takes the award for most ridiculous lyrics of any theme song ever... and that's in a world where "Ass Man" exists. Another lyrical masterpiece of big Jim J.  

I think everyone still holds on to the hope that they'll make something magical of Ryder one day. We thought it was when he most recently won the IC championship but, well... we all know how that went. Just keep on drinkin them beers and chatting up them hot babes bro, your time will come one day.

7. Heidenrich  

What an absolute monster of a man, it's a shame that he was only with the WWE for 3 years. His career peaked with his feud with the Undertaker then it all went downhill from there when he became part of the new Legion of Doom (y'know, the one after the original one but before The Ascension who got papped with it and told to run with it). If you're into mash-ups then there's a brilliant one of this and Ryback's theme floating about the interwebs. Go have a look and let your life be changed for the best part of three minutes.

6. D'Lo Brown 

MA BOY D'LO.  He couldn't not be included in this list.  He did well for himself after leaving the Nation of Domination and had some tasty feuds with the likes of X-Pac, Mark Henry and Jeff Jarrett but when you look at how far his rivals went compared to what he's done then you realise he didn't quite go the distance. If he stuck around after 2003 (and he was released so this is through no fault of his own) he could have probably done a lot better but he's flitted between so many companies so many times that he's never stayed anywhere long enough to build a great feud with anyone. His fourth(?) theme was the best one and I'm willing to bet at least a few of you managed to bugger up your neck from trying to get on the d'lo with D'Lo and his theme. 

5Santino Marella 

I've no idea what the fuck this guy is singing but it gets you pumped. I kid on to myself that it's the man himself singing it because no-one apart from WWE and Jim Johnston are credited for it (and I can't imagine Jimmy J having lungs like that on him). Santino was great though, I'm not really one for liking wrestlers with comedy gimmicks but Santino got me man, he got right in deep to my lil cold black heart. Much like Khali, I don't really remember him for his wrestling ability but more so the daft shit he got involved in, like when he was heel and was trying to tell all the kids that Santa wasn't real and the wee romance he had going with Emma. No matter what you remember him for, no-one will forget him power walking to the ring to this belter of a theme.

4. Rob Conway 

This was so close to being number one but I decided against it because there's other ones that I prefer over it but, I mean... how random is this theme?!  I love it. LOVE IT. Redneck country jobber realness.

His most memorable matches were probably when he was part of La Resistance and feuding with Edge and Benoit for the tag titles, which they won three times. After that La Resistance split and he became a singles competitor, where he became a redneck heel with a cowboy hat and a nifty handlebar moustache. He fought and feuded with a few other mid-card/jobber wrestlers then decided to pick on Flair for the IC championship one night on RAW, which was pretty much the beginning of the end of his WWE career. He lost every match after that then ended up being released in 2007. All is not lost though, because he moved on to NWA where he currently wrestles and is a two time NWA Heavyweight Champion, so all's well that ends well eh?

3. Shelton Benjamin 

Oh, he gonna bring it to ya because there ain't no stoppin' him, NAAAAAAW.  I think I'm pulling at straws a bit here by calling Shelton Benjamin a jobber since he won many a title with WWE. At best he was upper mid-card (given that he pinned Triple H clean twice back in the day, that was pretty special) but he's getting put in this list because I love this theme. He's probably jobbed to someone, somewhere, at some point in his life... maybe. Fuck it. Just listen to the damn song.

Let's face it, Chavo's shining time in WWE was when he was tagging with Eddie. You're thinking it, I'm thinking it, we're all thinking it. He was a six-time Cruiserweight Champion too, then he went with that whole Kerwin White gimmick and I completely lost interest. I was never a huge Chavo fan when he was with WWE but he done well for himself in Lucha Underground and currently wrestles for AAA so he's doing not too shabby. His theme is ridiculously similar to Eddie's "Lie, Cheat and Steal" theme (the newer version, think it was the 9th theme) but it's one of my favourites regardless. I was desperate to hear the "OOOOOH CHAAAAAVOOOOO" hit at ICW when Chavo and Hardcore Holly were booked at other shows in Scotland at the same time but it sadly wasn't meant to be.

And now, we're finally here... number one!  I need a lie down now.  I need a nap and I need to be away from wrestling and wrestling themes now because I have listened to a fucking lot of them today. My ears hurt and I'm pretty sure one of my toenails is falling off because of the stress of it all. Maybe you expected this theme, maybe you didn't. I'd like to think that I've thrown a huge curveball and gave you something completely out of the blue but who knows.  Just enjoy.

1. Christian 

Now now now, before you kick off, hear me out. Christian's career is dazzling.  Blinding.  Sparkling.  MAGNIFIQUE.  At the peak of his career, that is. The last few years for Christian in the WWE haven't been so great; back in 2014 when he was wrestling he was always inserted into six-man tag matches or title matches like Elimination Chamber and Money In The Bank, purely because - I think - they didn't have anyone else that could fill the space at the time. His last match was in March 2014 against Del Rio, Sheamus and Ziggler then after that he wasn't seen in a ring again...then it was announced that he'd been released from his talent contract back in May, meaning he was still doing other stuff with WWE but just wasn't wrestling with them anymore. It's a shame given his history but a string of injuries lead him to this point.

NOW, the theme I want you to hear isn't his last theme that he used. No no no, I'm taking you back to 2001 with his "At Last" theme. Just... watch the video if you've never seen the titantron for it before. Everything about it is amazing. The theme is one of the catchiest themes you'll hear, ever. I don't think I could love another theme like I love this one and if you don't love it too then I don't know what to tell you. Just enjoy the acid trip that this is gonna induce once you click that play button.

No comments:

Post a comment