Thursday, 19 January 2017

Opinion: Unanswered Wrestling Mysteries Chapter 3 - What Was In The Lockbox? - Part 2



Chapter One - Who Kidnapped Samoa Joe?
Chapter Two - Who Was the Higher Power of The Nexus?
Chapter Three (Part One) - What Was In The Lockbox?

Yay, you came back! Here's some more possibilities for what Shane O'Mac had tucked away in his box that locks.


4. A Large Amount of Timeshares in Puerto Rico


It would explain a lot.


5. All the copies of The Self Destruction of The Ultimate Warrior


It would explain significantly less but you know, I can't imagine Vince wants to remind people of the time he decided to be as petty as to market his own grudge with the Squared Circle's most incomprehensible bigot in one neat DVD package of a man's downfall from Warrior-sized portions of drugs. I don't think I can explain this one any better than to just give you a panel from a Warrior comic in which... this happens.



6. Vince's Prank Suggestions for Swerved Season 2


Vince loves to get hands-on with all his projects. So when he was pitched a wrestling prank show, he squealed with delight. Two of this favourite things: big, sweaty men and pranks. Sadly his notes for season two got a little... off-kilter. He wanted to put an electric buzzer on every chair of Madison Square Garden and have them go off just as Roman Reigns entered to force them to give him a standing ovation, he wanted to hide Zack Ryder somewhere in Chessington World of Adventures and not tell him they weren't filming just to see how long he'd stay there, he really wanted to make Mamps (Man Clamps) a thing but wouldn't tell anyone what they were, one note just said 'Kill Santino?', no one yet knows if he meant for real or not, he wanted Michael Cole to walk around Central Park whispering 'Mountain Dew: Do the Dew' in people's ears then running away giggling like the Laughing Gnome, he wanted to dress up Big Show like R-Truth and vice versa. White/Black-face and all. He wanted to release Cody Rhodes, send him to the Indies and have him win all the titles in three star matches and take them back to him so he could sit on them like a wrestling Smaug. 

Along the way, he started to forget what the line between 'prank' and 'weird act of megalomania' was.


7. An explanation for Dean Ambrose & Baron Corbin's hair lines


Where are all the full manes of Smackdown Live going? Were they in the Lockbox? Did Vince want Styles to be treated as the L'Oreal soaked lion he is so he stole loads of the main event talent's hair? How did Ziggler manage to get away with his Golden Fleece? Is that why Kalisto wears a mask to cover his embarrassing lack of hair? No one knows, this is pure speculation. The fact that this storyline existed months before the Brand Split was even publicised either hints at a plot hole or that Vince is that well prepared that he is always thinking six-to-eight months ahead which is DEFINITELY TRUE.


8. Some bullshit cop-out that would have satisfied no one.

I don't know, maybe they'd have just filled it with pictures of Scott Hall or Branston Baked Beans or another Lockbox. And in that Lockbox, another Lockbox. And just keeps those Russian Nesting Lockboxes going deeper and deeper until we're so befuddled by the prop department's ability to provide smaller lockboxes that we all forget what this was about in the first place. Wasn't it something to do with Shane? Was The Undertaker there? Did we all watch about 40 minutes of submission holds just to see one moment where a Hot Dad nearly dies for our entertainment? Was it worth it?* Was The Vincent Kennedy McMahon Award for Excellence just a collective dream incepted by a dying God? Was it you Murder Clown? Did you do this you sick fuck? But that would never happen because RAW is the home of logical, progressive storytelling. No loose ends up there, eh, Triple H? We all know exactly why you turned on Seth Rollins. Sometimes, I despair for the state of modern storytelling, I truly do.



*Yes.


9. Mitch



#JusticeForMitch.

Well, that's nine possible explanations which is...erm...nine more than WWE gave you. Praise be to Jozef.


Words & Images: Jozef Raczka - (@NotJozefRaczka)

Editing: James Marston - (@IAmNotAlanDale)

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