Three blokes who've had little time for professional wrestling...watch professional wrestling...then write about professional wrestling. That's pretty much the premise that we're building this series around. Our three non-fans will be given iconic moments from the history of wrestling and this month they'll be looking at Bret "Hitman" Hart vs. "Stone Cold" Steve Austin in a Submission match from WWF WrestleMania 13. What will our intrepid graps newbies pick up on in this match, that many consider a masterpiece...
Andrew suspects he may be an alien from another planet, frequently finding human rituals baffling. Wrestling is one of the many things that continues to baffle him, but no doubt his findings will be subjected to rigorous study back on his home planet (wherever that is).
When I was first invited to write for this August publication, it was under the pretext that I was a non-fan writing about wrestling matches. In this instance, I feel I have been misled.
This is not a wrestling match. This is a bar brawl in an arena.
The first chap we're introduced to is Ken Shamrock. He's the burliest referee I've ever seen - Barbie's boyfriend on a solid diet of steroids and Desperate Dan's cow pies. But this is nothing compared to the contestants - first, "Stone Cold" Steve Austin smashes his way in, accompanied by a scowl and some scary music. This man makes Hulk Hogan look like a babysitter.
Wait. Steve Austin? Wasn't he the Six Million Dollar Man? Can we expect some super fast and super strong moves accompanied by "boioioioing" sound effects? Alas not.
Who's mad enough to face this guy, who chews up bikers in leather bars for fun? It's Bret "Hit Man" Hart, rocking some cool wraparound shades (well, for the 1980s) and long hair (Austin, meanwhile, has no hair at all). He's a surfer dood in pink.
I sense there's a history between these two, and not a happy one, as the match doesn't even formally start before Austin leaps for his opponent and throws a flurry of punches. Hart isn't afraid to lash right back, rolling Austin on his back and punching him several times himself. The two men immediately roll out of the ring, punching and kicking on the floor outside.
Ken is as useless as his plastic namesake.
Austin flees around the corner. Hart follows, receiving a kick to the stomach for his trouble. They grapple for a moment, and then Austin is hurled into the post at the corner of the ring, bouncing off and hitting the floor. Hart picks him up, grabs him around the neck, then tries to lift him - but Austin resists, eventually picking up his opponent and dropping him onto the fence that keeps the wrestlers away from the horrors of the audience. The fence misses both Hart's legs, and every man watching winces in sympathy.
Austin walks away, but this is just a bluff. He's soon back, slamming Hart over the fence and into the sound technicians, then following him out. Ken can do little more than keep the audience back as the two wrestlers wander further into the crowd. It seems Austin's just after a drink, as he relieves a seller of his wares, throwing most of it on the floor, before returning to his opponent, sat on the floor, for a good kicking.
Hart can do nothing but let the other guy pick him up - at least, not until we are distracted by an audience member who's more interested in the camera than the fight. Suddenly, Hart is up again, lashing out with fists flying, smacking Austin's head into the stands. Ouch.
Now the two drag each other up the stairs, Hart on the offensive now. Austin stands, then Hart simply picks him up and flips him over his head. Ken finally does something to befit his referee status by dragging both men back to the ring. Audience participation isn't all it's cracked up to be. Hart simply throws the other man over the fence. With Austin dazed and apparently beaten, Hart makes to throw the stone cold Steve, but the hitman takes the hit instead as Austin turns and throws Hart into the steps leading to the ring. There's a loud crash, and the stairs and wrestler alike are knocked flying by the impact.
So far we've spent all of about four seconds of this chaos in the ring itself. Austin returns there briefly, taunting his opponent with some aggressive hand signals, before leaping back down at him. He staggers to his feet while Hart crawls on the floor. Austin picks up the top half of the steps - made of steel, it seems - ready to crush the unfortunate Hart's head with them - but Hart throws out a swift kick to the stomach and Austin drops the steps behind him before falling on top of them.
Hart throws a flurry of blows to the fallen man's head, then grabs it ready to deliver some nasty final blow. Austin twists in his grip and sends the pink-clad pounder into the ring post. Austin finally throws Hart back into the ring, before climbing in after and stomping down on the other man's head. And again. And then his hand.
Ken continues to be completely useless, despite several actions from both parties that would count as disqualification in any regular match. These two are out to kill each other, and he isn't going to stop them.
Hart isn't done. He fights back with a move called a "neckbreaker". No necks are broken, but Austin hits the mat hard. Both men roll around in pain. Hart is up first, climbing the ropes and leaping down on Austin again. Then Hart grabs his leg, steps on his hip, and leaps away - that's gotta hurt. Steve doesn't even have a chance to get up before Hart is bouncing on his knee like an excited grandchild - if said grandchild was a 300-pound psychopath.
And yet, Steve will not quit. Not even when Hart bends his leg up to his head and snaps it back. Not even when Hart uses his stomach as a trampoline. Hart knows his enemy is injured and focuses all his efforts on that leg, which I note is already fitted with some sort of brace. Was that there from the start? I hadn't noticed it before. Austin limps away, staggering against the ropes, but there's no relenting. Not until Austin suddenly stands upright, reached behind him for Hart's head, then pulls them both down to the mat. Both go sprawling.
This is when I discover we're watching a submission match. It's not enough to pin them or even knock them out. The other guy has to surrender. And it's clear that neither man is willing to do this.
Austin hops backwards, and Hart takes advantage, dragging Austin to the edge of the ring. He ties Austin's legs around the post, grabs his injured leg and PULLS. He literally hangs off that leg with all his weight. Austin smacks repeatedly at the canvas, helpless. But is he submitting? Nope.
Hart gently tosses Austin back into the ring, and goes to fetch some new toys - a metal chair, which he uses to further crush that injured ankle. Happy that his work is done, he walks away, climbing the post for another flying dutchman (or whatever that move is called). Austin, however, simply picks up the chair and whacks it over the hitman's head.
I would cheer at this point, but I've been thoroughly irked by both their antics and feel they both need to be sent to bed without supper.
After another smashing time with furniture, Austin returns to using his body as a weapon; Hart can do nothing other than crawl. Austin picks him up and slings him at the ropes. SMASH into the post. Hart sinks to his knees. Austin picks him up, swings him over his shoulder, then climbs the ropes and showboats to the crowd before leaping back down. And then he pulls Hart's legs apart and aims a savage kick at what is euphemistically called the "lower abdomen area". I'm surprised that bit still works after the fence incident.
Hart is picked up, thrown to the mat and pinned in a highly uncomfortable looking position. Surely he must give up now? But no. Ken breaks the hold, apparently because staying in one position is bad even though using furniture is A-OK. Austin doesn't care - he has another hold, squatting over his opponent's raised legs and bending them in a direction they really don't want to go. Hart grimaces, his face against the canvas.
But the only way to lose this match is to surrender. And neither man is willing to do it.
Ken intervenes again. Austin lets go, but he doesn't look happy about it. For his third attempt to force a submission, he ties Hart's legs around his own mighty support (the one without the brace). Hart reaches up and pokes him in the eye. Austin staggers back.
Both men are now shambling about, bruised and battered, but neither will give up. Austin takes Hart's hair in one hand, perhaps intending a savage downward punch; Hart counters this with an equally savage punch to Austin's tummy. And another. And another. But his finishing charge goes badly wrong; Austin steps aside and simply flings the flying Hart out of the ring.
The crowd is a mix of cheers and boos. There's no obvious hero here, just carnage.
Austin goes out after him. Dazed, it looks like the next throw is going to finish Hart; but then the pink-clad wrestler reverses it, and Austin is the one planting his face in the fencing. Several people are mown down in the crossfire. The wrestlers do not care. Hart pulls Austin to his unsteady feet and punches him in the face. Leading him away, Hart shoves his head down into the metal fencing.
And then there's blood. Blood! In wrestling!
Austin is punched again, thrown into thosee metal stairs, punched again, thrown into the pole. Austin is bleeding quite heavily from a fairly large cut to his forehead, blood all over him now. And still he refuses to submit. Crawling back into the ring, still heading for Hart, the other man slams down on Austin's neck with his arm. Austin is the Terminator - broken, yet relentless.
Hart hammers on his opponent's broken head. Even this isn't enough. He picks him up and drops him down onto his knee. He climbs the ropes and drops on top of him. He even picks up a chair and tries to chisel off Austin's leg with it. The Terminator crawls on. Again, he pins him between his legs and tries to tear his leg off. He punches him in the face, again and again. Blood is everywhere.
And then the unthinkable happens.
Austin kicks him in the boll- er, I mean, the "lower abdomen area".
Austin gets up, pulls Hart up by the hair and throws him into the ropes. Hart falls. Austin does it again. Hart falls to the corner of the ring as Austin kicks him rapidly and repeatedly in the chest. Ken separates them - and then Austin goes for a trick shot. Wait, wrong sport. He sits Hart on the ropes, climbs up beside him, and then flips him over his head and onto the mat.
Austin's face is now almost entirely red. I'm surprised he can still see.
Austin rolls his opponent out of the ring, but Hart grabs the ropes. As he crawls back inside, Austin heads out for a new toy - an extension cable from the technical area they trashed earlier. He wraps it around Hart's neck - Ken warns him off but, as usual, no-one pays any attention. As Austin chokes him, Hart grabs the first object he can find - the match bell - and whacks Austin in the face with it. That should make his head ring...
Austin gets to his feet, but Hart simply grabs his leg and pulls him off balance. Pinned underneath Hart's mighty buttocks, bleeding profusely, Austin continues to refuse to submit. He heaves himself up, lifting both men off the canvas, and rolls Hart off his back. Hart's head hits the deck, but he isn't letting go. He tries again... but it's all too much. Between the pain and the exhaustion, Stone Cold Austin becomes Out Cold Austin. Ken stops the fight. Hart is declared the winner.
Hart showboats to the crowd while Austin lies helpless on the mat. But the guy I feel sorry for is the one who's got to clean up.
Hart goes on the rampage again, aiming a few more kicks at Austin's chest despite the exhortations of the referee. Finally Ken does something - he picks Hart up and throws him over and into the mat. Could another fight be on the cards? The crowd boos at Hart and he walks out of the arena.
Knocked out, bloody but never surrendering, perhaps Austin is the real winner here. Or maybe not. When Ken tries to help him up, Austin flips the referee onto the mat and limps out alone.
In conclusion: violent, bloody and anarchic. I was expecting wrestling, not an X-rated Tom and Jerry cartoon.
Nick is a 5'11" homo sapiens who never watched wrestling before in his life before embarking on the project.
Born at an early age, he is currently finishing off a PhD in linguistics and has never referred to himself in the third person. He doesn't intend to start now.
March 1997, then. I was nearly 9, a horrible age for a child; everyone seems to be trying to annoy you and tell you off for nothing.
Must be just how Bret “Hit Man” Hart felt at the same time, going off the introductory video of this match. Bret’s in a right cow of a mood, even going as far as to say “I’ve been screwed by Shaun Michael the boy toy, I’ve been screwed by Stone Cold Steve Austin, I’ve been screwed by the World Wrestling Federation”… No wonder he’s in a rut, that’s a LONG LIST of ex-lovers! Bad as my lot was, at least I wasn’t being, ahem, “screwed” by 7 foot wrestlers on a weekly basis, let alone a “boy toy”.
But enough of the smut - the match is about to get underway. This is a special do, they’ve even imported a “guest referee”: one Ken Shamrock, wearing a tack top that makes him look like an Everton mint. According to the very strange commentators (more on them soon), ABC TV calls Ken “the most dangerous man in the world”. I wonder what they’d make of Bertie Bassett if they saw him.
Emerging from a giant hexagonal honeycomb (just like the ones from Banjo-Kazooie) and breaking through black toffee glass with the word “AUSTIN 3:16” on it (don’t bother looking up the psalm, it’s from the apocrypha) is one Stone Cold Steve Austin: 6 foot 2, with a shaved head and wearing a fetching black Y-fronts/black leather vest combo. Helpfully, the front of his vest has “AUSTIN” down the front of it, like a shipping label or an “if this doggy gets lost, here is his home address” label. Bless his mum. Oh, he seems to be wearing a brace on his left knee. I WONDER IF THAT WILL COME UP LATER…
Then coming from the opposite toffee-glassed honeycomb is his opponent, the aforementioned “Hit Man” who is from Canada, the commentators let slip. How lovely. Luckily, Mr Hart decides to distract his opponent by wearing pink wraparound sunglasses, a leather jacket and a simply astonishing pink/black leotard, like Jet from Gladiators. Oh, he’s just given the sunglasses to a child in the stands. I hope he wins, he seems lovely.
No sooner does Bret enter the ring than Steve knocks into the ring and knocks him down - hang about, the bell hasn’t even rung yet! Even worse, they’re now rolling around together, whoever is on top throwing some punches; I’m beginning to see why Bret’s love life is circling the drain if this is how his encounters start. They roll out of the ring, taking turns in punching each other like a game of tennis, until Bret chucks Steve into a pole, leading to Steve to pick up Bret and plonk him onto the metal fence protecting the crowds. The feel of cold steel on the goolies is less pleasant than one might think. After falling the fence crowd-side and having his head banged against said fence, Bret wanders into the crowd, perhaps thinking he might lose his assailant. Good luck not standing out while dressed as a Chippendale dancer cum Power Ranger.
When the camera finally catches up, we see Steve throw a Coke (or maybe Pepsi - best check who the sponsors for this blog are, my royalty cheque is due!) on Bret and kick him on the ground a bit… But lo! Bret turns the tables and knocks Steve’s head against an advertisement board and drags him further into the crowd. Where they are heading is anyone’s guess; my money’s on the car park, it’s where most cat fights tend to happen.
But then they changes their minds: they walk all the way back to the ring, to the delight of the camera crew who had a real bitch of time trying to angle through the crowd. After a bit more scrapping involving metal stairs, they roll back onto the ring where Bret performs “THE NECKBREAKER”, as the commentator calls it. It’s a misnomer and the commentator is a bloody liar. But no time for semantics: Bret starts hurting Steve’s sore knee (that brace I mentioned earlier? That’s foreshadowing for ya) in what the increasingly strange commentator calls a “methodical, physical dissection of the lower anatomy”. I’m glad he wasn’t around when I had appendicitis two years ago.
But Steve isn’t one to take this lying down - he momentarily knocks Bret out by lowering him to his knees while holding his neck. Hmm. Well, that’s less bizarre than the unhinged commentator, who wails “if you knock him out, he can’t submit while he’s unconscious”. So that’s the rule? Nobody must be knocked out?
Ah well, in the meantime, Bret positions Steve so his nadgers are against the corner pole, then he dangles off his sore leg while hanging upside down like a bat. The intense agony is so great that it make Mr Austin (no relation to Jane) flail around like Kate Bush doing Wuthering Heights.
But Bret doesn’t end there! He takes the bell off the commentators… for some reason… then a blue chair (he deliberately chose it over a purple one, probably a childhood trauma in that story) with the intention of breaking his leg… Seriously, WHAT IS THE POINT OF THIS REFEREE? Is there ANYTHING that counts as an illegal move in this match?
It doesn’t matter in the end because Steve leaps up like a gazelle and hits him with the chair numerous times, stomping on his genits and BRET’S DAUGHTER IS THERE WATCHING? The child looks about seven, did nobody think this might be inappropriate… No, THAT isn’t what’s appropriate - Steve sitting in Bret’s bum while holding his legs under his arms like an avant-garde lawnseat is what’s inappropriate. You’ll find this exact scenario on page 37 of the kama sutra.
Inexplicably, the commentator manages to make this EVEN MORE DODGY by making Bret sound even lewder: “what he did on Monday was uncalled for on all counts” - please tell me this was yet more “SCREWING”?
Whatever the case, Bret breaks free by flicking Steve’s ear (his one weakness) and ends up throwing himself outside the ring by mistiming throwing himself at his adversary. Whoops. Even more embarrassing is how Steve tries to fling but ends up hurtling into the judges and HOLY MOTHER OF SOOTY HIS FACE IS BLEEDING SO HEAVILY. Seriously, that’s a LOT of blood pouring from his forehead - are they not at least going to put a plaster on him?
Nah, no time for that, Bret is still throwing him into the stairs and the ref continues doing absolutely nothing. What is the point of this man…
Bret even brings the chair back, prompting our commentator do declare “only a coward would use a chair” - well you weren’t complaining before, were you??
More blows landed with Stone Cold looking increasingly like he’s playing the lead in Carrie the Musical, until Mr Austin leaps down and grabs an extension lead for the purpose of strangling his opponent. But Bret knocks him off with that bell he nabbed earlier - now THAT is some excellent 4-dimensional chess he was playing!
Both competitors are on their last legs (or last leg, going from how Stone Cold is hobbling), so the Hit Man gets his American foe in one final leg lock and pulls with all his Canadian might. “For sure, just submit, eh?” he probably says; all we can hear is the American roaring in pain/manliness. Steve tries to break free, lifts himself up with his high arms and then… loses consciousness. Huh. So… Bret won?
Nobody seems happy though. The ref is still clueless, I really hope he wasn’t paid in advance. Even the fans aren’t really cheering. But Bret’s still not finished, he sees his opponent, bleeding out on the floor and barely struggling to hang on and gives his leg another few kicks. The referee finally grows a spine and pulls the Albertan snow leopard off him, even goading Mr Hart into a fight. I REALLY think somebody should have gone over with him what a referee
ACTUALLY DOES before the match.
So Bret leaves, to boos. Steve slams the nice official who was trying to help him up, ungrateful swine. Hard to feel sorry for either of them.
FINAL SCORE: 5/10
Didn’t get the screwing I was promised.
Sam is a giant in the world of non-WWF fans. His favourite wrestler is Stretch Armstrong.
Ok. Whilst I won't pretend to know the first thing about WWF, I am a bit of a fan of Steve Austin, thanks to his tv show 'Broken Skull Challenge'. I have the t-shirt and everything. I'm a bit of a part-time novice 'endurance athlete' myself so I'm interested in these obstacle course events that have gained popularity in recent years.
However, I've never witnessed 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin actually fight or wrestle... just drive around in his little jeep cheering contestants on!
However, the name Bret Hart is brand new to me.
The event starts.
A moody looking Steve Austin smashes through a glass wall (stage glass, I'm betting) wearing a black waistcoat. His name is displayed on this vest in sparkly silver letters, all presumably made by local school pupils. That's how classy it looks. There's even some cute skulls on there. Austin storms through the crowd all moody and silent, before climbing into the ring and letting a bit of wildness out.
He talks with some muscly dude called Shamrock, who I'm guessing is either lucky or Irish (or both), but more significantly, I'm guessing is tonights 'referee' (although I'm basing this purely on the fact he has a striped black and white top on).
Aah, I've just noticed that Steve Austin has a lengthy knee support on, and so has presumably already got a knee or hamstring injury. I'm betting that will get exploited later on.
Sparkle!! Some studio fireworks go off above the wrestling ring - as the camera pans to the Smashed 'Warehouse 13' door - and some 1980's rock star walks out, who is announced as Bret Hart.
Juxtaposed to 'Stone Cold's entrance, Bret Hart is hip...
Swaying shoulders, high-fiving fans along the way...
Long sweaty hair, wrap-around shades and a leather jacket. Fantastic.
Steve Austin doesn't look impressed though, as Hart whips his jacket and shades off and hands them to fans, like a sweaty white Lenny Kravitz.
The fight isn't even officially started when Austin leaps at Bret "Hitman" Hart and knocks him to the floor, then repeatedly hits him in the face!!
This is surely a false start? A penalty? Something?
Nope... it all just continues, there are seemingly no rules in WWF.
The pair have a bit of a roll around and Hart punches back. The wrestlers fall out of the ring, and punches and kicks are exchanged.
Steve Austin picks Bret Hart up and bangs his nuts over some railings. Nice. Shamrock (referee) is mentioned but does nothing, this will be his stance for the entire match if I'm honest. Mind you, how do you govern without rules? 'Stone Cold' Austin knocks 'Hitman' off the railings into the crowd.
"They're taking into the crowd" states the compere.
The bulky Shamrock (ref/wannabe wrestler) follows the two warring wrestlers into the crowd. Austin drinks a fans Coke before repeatedly kicking and stamping on Hart - who is slumped on the floor by a barrier. However, the pink-vested glam-rock wrestler gains some control, stands up, and slams his bald headed opponent's head into a barrier sign, before dragging him up some stairs, further up the crowded spectator area.
Steve Austin is knocked down onto these stairs, as the compere's excited voice states "This is what Wrestlemania is all about"!!
Umm? What's that then?
Having absolutely no rules or restrictions?! Start your fight whenever you want to?! Fight wherever you want, regardless of public?!
(The part of my brain that has recently undertaken risk assessment training at work now is screaming & sobbing)!
Anyway... The scrap continues as Bebop and Rocksteady head back down through the cheering fans and towards the ring.
Hart throws Austin over the gates. Oh dear.
"Hitman" is on a mission now and I wonder if the battered Steve Austin can regain control.
Spooky. No sooner as my brain wondered about that, then 'Stone Cold' throws Hart into some steps, climbs up onto the edge of the ring, and then jumps down on him. Austin picks these chunky ringside steps up with the clear intention of throwing them down upon Bret Hart, but is kicked back down. Hart repeatedly 'hammer hits' Austin on the side of the head, before they both get back INTO the actual bloody wrestling ring.
(Why is it called a boxing/wrestling 'ring' when it's actually square? This has bothered me for some while)?!
Steve Austin stomps on Bret Hart's hand.
Strike-for-Strike, there doesn't seem to be THAT much between these two guys at the moment - but the compère/presenter seems to favour Hart's chances - just as the latter body-slams down onto Austin, grabs his legs, flips him over, and stands on his bad knee. What a knobhead.
"Hitman" then just goes on an attack on Austin's bad leg - punching, pulling, beating and stretching it.
(Personally, as a runner who's experienced knee and hamstring injuries in the past, this makes me grimace. This isn't on)!
Steve looks in pain, but recovers and manages to knock his long haired aggressor to the floor. Hard.
"Be careful Stone Cold - Hart can't submit if he's unconscious"! Wise words.
Hitman Hart then recovers and drags Austin to the inside-corner of the ring, legs dangling down outside, groin against the corner pole... and bang! Bret Hart puts his entire body weight onto Steve Austin's bad leg! Stretching his hamstring and quads to unbearable measures, and not helping any kneecap injuries to heal! Ouch.
'Stone Cold' beats the floor in agony but won't submit.
Now, Hart takes a folded up camping chair into the ring and places Austin's ankle between the (folded/hinged) seat and backrest areas of this chair, and readies himself to jump on it, causing more horrific pain for his goateed pal.
But no. Austin stands up and twats him with this same chair. Genius.
Limps around the ring area a bit before smacking the chair down over Hart's backs. Yup, now he's pissed off.
Austin throws Hart around the ring like a sweaty rockstar doll and then flips him over. Boom!
Not even a kick to the "lower abdominal area" ("the bollocks") can Slow Steve Austin down, as he locks Hart into a nice wrestling position (neck lock) and holds him for at least 20 seconds.
For me, as a non-fan, this would be a logical end to this match, especially compared to the Hogan-Andre Fight I reviewed last time, which had a ridiculous ending.
But nope. The referee does nothing, Hart didn't submit, and so it all just continues.
Hart is now lying face down on the floor and Austin wants some 'leg revenge' so decides to sit down on Hart's arse, facing his feet, and pull his legs upwards and backwards.
A bit of a kerfuffle, and they're outside of the ring again. Hart throws Austin through some suited TV people, like a bowl through skittles, before grabbing him and beating his head into some railings.
Blood splatters everywhere.
Austin is thrown around as Hart takes full advantage of the situation and goes on the attack. Steve looks a bloodied and dazed mess, but Bret doesn't give a single fuck.
"Only a coward would use a chair" says the presenter - as BH slams the folded chair into SA's bad knee!
Ouch. After a while, Austin has enough abuse and so kicks Hart in the nuts, before throwing him into the corner and repeatedly kicking him and throwing him. Austin gets a microphone extension cord and starts wrapping it around Hart's neck, in some health & safety nightmare.
However, Hart grabs a nearby bell-on-a-board and flips it back into Austin's head! Hart clambers on top of Austin and bends his bad leg back. Austin's head is covered in blood and he is screaming in pain.
Just submit pal! Give in!
It's over - go and have a Budweiser!
But no, he refuses to surrender...
"Steve? Do you give up?" Shamrock asks him... nope! However, the bulky ref stops the fight - due to the fact Steve Austin is lying on the floor in a half-unconscious and bloodied state - so that was good of him! So, by default, Bret Hart wins!!
The presenter keeps saying they need a Doctor... Austin needs some medical assistance... but no... this is WWF, so Hart once again goes to war with Austin's bad leg! This doesn't go down well with anyone, and there's a bit of a warning from Shamrock which results in a bit of a stand-off. "Please do it, Shamrock!" I whisper to myself "knock him out with one meaty punch"?!
But nope, it all ends and the winner of Wrestlemania 13 walks off to boos and hisses.
My verdict? Hmmmm. I had expected more from the infamous Steve 'Stone Cold' Austin if I'm honest. He had that raw aggression at the start but he faded out fast.
So many of the attacks look practised and choreographed, it's hard to fully get into it all as I wonder what's real and what isn't. But it's all growing on me I fear.
Well, I hope you agree that this experiment has produced some rather interesting results so far. I hope you enjoyed getting a glimpse into the mind of a Non-Fan once again.
Next time - The Battle of the Billionaires from WrestleMania 23
Article by James Marston, Andrew Williams, Nicholas Peat & Sam Button